All Apologies

I'm sorry I haven't been updating lately, there has been some stuff going on that I needed to concentrate on and I haven't been too inspired to write, and I haven't had much time, either.

Please bear with me, and I will update soon. Thanks.

The Hospital Visit

This is the hospital I stayed at. It has changed a lot since then.

At work, I was having a little trouble concentrating and remembering everything that I was supposed to do. Normally, I was very organized and on top of things. My calender was constantly updated and I had reminders all day long of things that I was supposed to do. I guess I kept missing things, and a co-worker decided to tell my manager. My manager proceeded to come to my desk in the middle of the office and yell at me for not doing my job properly. I was understandably stressed out by this and struggled not to cry. My coworkers were shocked at this behavior by my manager, and tried to console me while doing their own jobs. I went home that night and complained to my parents. I wasn't feeling well, so I went to bed pretty early.

The next morning, I still wasn't feeling well. I had a bad headache, and when my mom came in to take my temp, I was running around 100. I was still determined to go to work, but I just couldn't get the energy to get out of bed. My mom panicked, and decided she was taking me to the hospital. She packed me all up in the truck and drove me to the ER. I slept most of the way there, and I really don't remember much about being admitted, just that I kind of “came around” when I was in a bed. I was hooked up to machines, and my mom was next to the bed half asleep, holding my hand.

When I was awake, I realized I had an IV drip of saline, and an oxygen monitor hooked up to my finger. I also had a blood pressure cuff that was on my arm, and was pumped up automatically every few minutes. It was really uncomfortable. Everything in the ER was blue: the curtains, the walls, the chairs, even the scrubs that nurses were wearing. I signaled to my mom that I was up, and told her I needed to call in to work. She said she had left a message with Maryanne's voice mail. I said that I still needed to talk to someone, just in case Maryanne wasn't in. So, they brought me a phone. I called and talked to Maryanne. At the point when my mom called, she would have been the only one there, since it was before 7. Now, it was after 10, and Maryanne had gotten my mom's message and had passed it on to my manager. She was terribly worried and let me know that everyone at work was thinking about me and were also worried.

I was running a low-grade fever and was dehydrated. They decided to admit me into the hospital for a couple of days. I was put on a gurney, and the cutest orderlies (do they still call them that?) wheeled me into an elevator and took me up to the women's ward of the hospital. There was not enough cancer patients for the hospital to justify having a chemo ward, so they put me in the next best thing. I got a private room, and a really nice nurse. She introduced herself and wrote her name, my room number, and the hospital phone number on a dry erase board, along with her pager number. I was feeling a little better, but they said I was still dehydrated, my blood pressure was too low, and my temp a little too high.

Soon, my oncologist, Dr. Sapra, came by to see me. He asked me lots of questions about the days leading up to all of this. Including – did anything happen to stress me out? I told him what happened at work the day before. He practically yelled at me - “What are you doing, still working???” I laughed and said that my family and I had decided that I should stick it out as long as I could. He stared at me for a minute and told me – no more work. I breathed a sigh of relief. I really didn't want to continue there while I was sick. I had tried so hard to make a good impression and I was screwing it all up with this cancer crap. I didn't want my good impression to turn into a bad one. So, I was ordered to relax and take it easy for a couple of days in the hospital.

I had a steady stream of visitors. Kim came by, and Elizabeth, Kari and Mark, and my parents. I was admitted on a Friday, and ended up being there the whole weekend. My mom had to work during the day on the weekend, so my dad would go pick up lunch and bring it by and hang out with me. Dad and I really didn't hang out a lot, so this was a rare treat. It still brings me to tears just thinking about it. He was so sweet. We watched bad TV, and talked about nothing. It was just nice to not be alone and to have some time with him. My mom would come by after work for a little while, and then she would need to go home to rest up for the next day. People brought me presents, and flowers, and cards. My parents brought by my blankie and my Piglet stuffed animal for comfort. If I hadn't actually felt like crap with a painful needle in my hand, it would have been fun. Except for the TV. I didn't have much to read, well I actually read through everything pretty fast, after my dad picked up a bunch of music magazines for me. So, I tried to watch stuff on TV. There were only about 5 channels and a movie channel. The movie channel had two movies playing on the weekend, so I think I watched Save The Last Dance 7 times. I never EVER want to see that movie again.

The food was surprisingly fabulous. I had filet mignon on Friday night. My dad was very jealous. He bragged to everyone. The breakfasts were pretty good and I think at one point, I even had a Caesar salad.

On Sunday afternoon, I was told that I would be discharged once the doctors filled out my forms. My dad waited with me for a while, but he got bored and asked if someone could pick me up. I called my friend Elizabeth who said she would, and came by at around 7. Finally, at 9:30, I was wheeled down to the door and she drove her car around to get me. She had a get well card and flowers in her front seat for me. She had also brought a very special friend, her Corgi puppy, Teddy. He was brand new and the sweetest thing ever. He cuddled up in my lap and made me feel so wonderful. Elizabeth was so nice to take me home and make sure I got inside.

My dad was still kind of up, and my mom was all ready for bed. She helped me to my room, and tucked me in. I tossed and turned for a while and finally fell asleep. Even though the hospital was nice, and the people were great, there is nothing like the quiet and comfort of your bed at home. And I never did figure out how the hospital pagers worked.

The Shot

I am a little fuzzy on the order that the next two events come in, so I will do my best.

At this point, my hair hadn't really started falling out yet. But I was feeling run down, and my ability to concentrate was going down the tubes. I was pretty nauseas most of the time, and dizzy like being severely drunk most of the time. I had a strange taste in my mouth and food just didn't taste. The only thing I could taste was really spicy food or sweet food (fruit soda, juice). So, I ate a lot of all that. The problem with that was the chest searing heartburn. It was so bad, I couldn't sleep at night or even sit comfortably most of the time.

I was ready for my next chemo. It had taken a few days to start getting my chemo reactions from the first round, but they kind of tapered off after a week. This time, I went to work and left early, and I went by myself. The nurse took me into Dr. Sapra's office and he did a couple checks on me, weight, and checked my side effects. Then they drew blood and started me on IV full of saline and had me sit until the results were back. A bit later, the nurse came back in and pulled out the IV. Something was wrong. Dr. Sapra came in and explained to me that my White Blood Cell count (WBC) was too low. If I were to get an infection or a fever, I could die. So, they had a shot prepared for me. It was called Neupogen. What it was supposed to do was artificially raise my WBC count so I would be able to have chemo in the next couple of days.

The nurse came in and plugged a shot right into the underside of my arm. The shot was ice cold, and hurt bad. I made another appointment with Dr. Sapra and went back to work. I was back at work for about an hour when it started. My cube mate and friend, Kim, was in a meeting. My hips started to ache. I shifted positions, thinking it was just the way I was sitting. Soon, the pain was shooting down my legs and up my back. It was so excruciating that I could barely move. I was barely able to breathe and I began to sweat. I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. I thought maybe it would go away if I walked around a little, so I got up and turned around. That was as far as I made it. I just stood there. The woman who sat across from me, Angie, saw that I was immobile and tried to help me. A bunch of people ended up gathered around me, no one knew what to do, including me. I was trying not to scream because of the pain. My friend, Ron brought the fan over and put it up to my face. Angie went to get Kim from upstairs so she could take me to the ER.

Kim came down and called my mom, and told her that she was taking me to the ER. The pains I was having were so severe, everyone at work was comparing it to labor pains. She drove as fast as she could during traffic. My mom said she would meet us there, and she would leave a message at the house for my dad to met us there. When we got to the Hospital, Kim helped check me in. I had a paper from Dr. Sapra saying that because of my immunities being lowered, I could not be in the waiting room for longer than 20 minutes. I was there for close to 2 hours. The pain made me sick to my stomach. Kim went and fought with admitting to get me in sooner. My parents were freaked out. I had rarely ever seen my dad so stressed out.

Kim finally said she had to go to take care of her kids. She left and they finally got us in. They only let one of my parents in, so my dad went home. They ran all kinds of tests on me, but could find nothing. They gave me some muscle relaxers and set me up with an appointment with my primary care doctor, Dr. Don the next day. The muscle relaxers didn't do anything except make me sleepy. The pain subsided slightly as the night wore on. I was tired the next day, but not in as much pain.

I went and saw Dr. Don when I got off work. She had freaked out when she heard what happened because she had given me a PAP the day before all this happened, and she thought for some reason that she had caused my pain. It turned out to be bone pain. No one had explained to me what Neupogen actually does. It pulls blood cells from your bone marrow. It starts from the densest bones – usually being the pelvic area. That's why my hips hurt so bad. It took a few days for all the pain to go away completely, but I was able to finally get chemo.

Questions? Anyone?

I am hoping to jar my memory or something. At this point I am drawing a bit of a blank. But, I'll get back on it.

So, I am opening the floor to anyone who has any questions... I have seen the keywords that people have used to find this blog, and for some of you, I may be able to help you.... that is what this is supposed to be about, well that and tel my story. So, please if you have any questions, please feel free to email me or post a comment. It makes me think more and may help me with some of my memories!

Thanks!

Update and Disclaimer

Thank you for your patience (and your wonderful comments!) in my next blog. At this point is where things start to go hazy or run together for me. I still have a terrible time remembering certain things, and I may get some of my memories a little mixed up. I will update soon. I am still unpacking from my move, and working on finding a job, catching up, etc. So please bear with me, I will update.

Thanks again.

The First Chemo

This is my Grandma and I right before my diagnosis. And my beautiful hair.
I will post more pics of this period of time in my next entry. We can't find our USB cable right now

Before I started chemo, my office went out to a bar. I don't really remember what it was for, but it was really fun. I had made so many new friends and we just had a blast all hanging out and having a good time. I made my peace with the person that I had pissed off when I had sent out my e-vite for the party that I was supposed to have when I had surgery. Before everyone got there, I had dinner with one of my co-workers and it was really nice to have someone to talk to for a bit. We took tons of pictures and I had a ball laughing at everyone as they got more and more inebriated.

My mom decided to go with me to chemo. I was terrified. I had seen movies where people leave and immediately started vomiting, and I was scared that was going to happen to me. I had a terrible fear of throwing up, especially throwing up in public. I also was scared of needles. I couldn't imagine having an IV hooked up to me for several hours. I was also scared of the unknown – what was going to happen once the chemo started? Would I feel different, would I even notice? Would I feel it actually go in? All these questions plagued my mind.

Around 11 am, we got to the office. We sat in the waiting room for a while, again. Things seemed very disorganized and slow. It seemed like forever before we finally got to go back. The nurse weighed me, and took some blood. She led me back to the infusion room. The room itself was small. There were cabinets and a sink at one end and an exam table at the other end. In between, there were two recliners, a pink one and a black one, across from each other and a stool and a folding chair. I could see that the black recliner was the coveted one. There was a small TV/VCR by the door.

There was only one chair available, and it was the pink recliner. The rest of the chairs were taken up by people, most of them in blankets, who were in various stages of receiving their chemo. The exam table was occupied by a Vietnamese man and his daughter. I later learned that he was a single parent, receiving chemo and there was no one to take care of his daughter. Once I sat down, I was prepped for an IV line. The nurse gave me a bag of saline and it had begun. My mom had pulled in a folding chair from outside and sat down next to me. She had read somewhere that the chemo makes a bad taste in your mouth, so she had brought some hard candy with her. So we had one of those and sat back to survey our surroundings.

Dr. Sapra ran in around noon and turned the TV on to the stock channel and pushed a VHS tape in. And then he ran back out again. Soon, we noticed that my saline bag was running low. I called the nurse in. I was terribly afraid of the bag running out and then air getting into my veins. She turned the IV off and prepared another bag for me. This one was the beginning of chemo. I didn't really feel different, just a little anxious. The needle was uncomfortable and I was very careful not to move m arm. In return, my arm was very cold.

We talked a little bit to the people sitting around us. The Vietnamese man promised me that he would teach me his language. Everyone else seemed kind of out of it, or just not really wanting to talk. I started to get tired and encouraged mom to go take a walk or get something to eat. I just wanted to rest. Pretty soon, the nurse came back in and had a needle with a very large syringe attached to it. It was filled with a bright red liquid, like Cherry Kool-Aide. Slowly, she filled my line with this fluid. It was ice cold. I could feel it going in, and it wasn't very pleasant. Once she was done with that, she gave me a new bag of clear fluid. I didn't look to see what was in these bags, I just accepted it. Within a few hours, I was done. Once I was finished, I was pretty much the only person left in the room. The nurse removed my line, and gave me some basic instructions: Don't take aspirin, ibuprofen, pretty much anything without consulting Dr. Sapra first. Call if I get a fever above 99 degrees. Stuff like that. We got plenty of paperwork on the side effects and things to avoid. It was pretty scary.

We finished up with the instructions and went on our way. Mom took me to the salon to have my hair cut. The lady that was going to cut my hair was a gardening customer of my dad's. She was nice, I guess, but kind of standoffish. I had gone to school with her sons and daughter. This may have scared her a bit. We explained that I wanted to save my hair and she looked at us as if we were nuts. But, she cut my hair. Short. I looked down when she was done and saw all of my beautiful thick, long hair spread all over the floor. I guess she wasn't sure what to do with the hair that we wanted to save, so she just swept it up and put it into a bag for me to take home.

By the time we had finished that, I was famished. We went home and it was all I could do not to eat everything in the fridge. My dad laughed and decided that they put THC in my chemo. So far, I hadn't felt too different, no nausea, no pukes, nothing like that. I was hungry. That was probably all. I supposed that was a good thing. I had several calls from friends to find out how I was and how I was doing. I told them all that I was fine. I had trouble sitting still, I was very energetic and almost twitchy. I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. My parents were surprised that my face was bright pink after I arrived home.

I tried to drink a lot of water, because I was told that it would help me flush all the drugs out of my system. It was also supposed to be the cure all for headaches. And I seemed to get a whopper of one. I don't know what I thought would happen, but I really didn't feel that different. There were some little things, the hunger, the headache, but nothing like I originally expected. That was good, right?

The Final Diagnosis

Just a medical exam room. Not the one I was in, ours was much smaller.

I was finished with all the testing. I needed to go in to see my oncologist to be staged in my disease and discuss treatment options.

Dr. Sapra was a very nice man, and from what I read later, he thought I was a nice lady, too. His office was in a building that was next to the hospital, four stories tall, and looked like it was made of windows. He was on the fourth floor, and waiting for the elevator sometimes felt like forever.

My parents went with me to this appointment. Mom, with a two page list of questions, and dad with a tape recorder. We sat in the waiting room for a long time. I had come straight from work, and mom and dad had come together from home. Dad had finally had enough (he wasn't much on patience) and after we had been there for about 45 minutes, he went out for a smoke. Of course, that's when they decided to call us in. Luckily, dad came back just in time.

We all shuffled into the tiny exam room and tried to find comfortable spots to sit. Dad ended up standing by the door, Dr. Sapra took the chair by the sink, I sat up on the exam table and mom had a chair by the window. Dr. Sapra took out my charts and looked through them, writing here and there. Finally, he talked to us.

According to all those tests, the cancer had not spread to my bones or blood (good!), but I did have a mass in my chest, as well as the tumor in my neck. Because of the location and symptoms I had had, I was a stage IIA/B. Both my tumor and the mass in my chest were on the left side. For some reason that made a difference. (Stage II A/B)

Sr. Sapra had not had a lot of instances of my particular disease come through his office at that point in time, and told us that he had consulted the oncology council for advice on how to treat it. He said that I could one of three things: Have chemo only, and hope that the disease would go away through that; do radiation only; or have both. At this point, he said chemo would probably do the job, but there would be tests as time goes on, to see what was going on in my body. He said it looked like the best formula for me would be a concoction called ABVD. Adriamycin/Bleomycin/Vinblastine/Dacarbazine. (ABVD) He thought that would most likely do the job for me.

I was to have chemo once every two weeks, and it would last for several hours. There were several side effects, like hair loss, weight loss/gain, vomiting, nausea, dizziness, shortness of breath, headaches, dry mouth, yeast infections in my mouth, chills, low blood counts, dry/painful skin, mouth sores, the list just goes on and on. I didn't have all of this stuff happen to me, but I had other things... We'll get to that more later. I was to report to his office for my chemo, and I would be sitting in the little room next to this exam office with a bunch of people. From what I saw, it looked like I would be fighting for seating. Great fun. Dad even asked if I was allowed to drink. Nope.

The doctor wanted to start me on chemo the following week. We made an appointment for the following Tuesday. I wasn't going to take the day off from work, but my boss told me it was for the best. She was sure that I wouldn't want to come to work afterward. Mom and I discussed my hair and we made an appointment to have my hair cut after the chemo. I was going to cut it short, and since my hair was really long, I had decided I wanted to either donate what was left or use it for a wig for myself. Dr. Sapra had said it was ok for me to continue working at this point and I let my boss know that I was ok to do so.

So that was that. Now, I just had to make it through chemotherapy.

Photo Credit

Bone Marrow Biopsy

Bone Marrow Biopsy Prep

As I have said, my editor is MIA, so please forgive the not so smooth flow of my future blogs.

After all those tests, I was informed that I needed to have a bone marrow biopsy. I had no idea what that entailed, and from the faces of people when I told them, I didn't think I wanted to know.

I set up the appointment, and I asked if I would need a ride home or anything like that. I was told not to worry about that. I had to do nothing to prepare. A person at work decided to try and tell me something about a giant needle. She loved to make me cringe and frightened.

I drove myself to my appointment. When I arrived, the girl behind the counter asked me if I had a ride home. I explained that I was told I didn't need one. She had me call my mom to arrange a ride home. Mom was not available, so I had to leave a message. I was not allowed to go into the office until I had a reply that she would come when she got off work. The nurse finally called back and they brought me back to the office.

There, I was weighed in and had my height checked. The nurse led me back to an exam room. Thee, I was instructed to take off my clothes and put on hospital jammies. They are a little different than a gown. They are made of cotton, instead of paper. The top goes down to about my knees and ties at the neck, leaving the back open. The bottoms are like pajama bottoms with a drawstring waist, just a little thinner. After I put those on, The nurse came back to check on me, and led me down the hallway to another, larger looking exam room.

The room was a yellowish brown, with lights, trays, and a large chair that looked like a dentist chair. The nurse had me lay down in the reclining dentist chair. She prepped my arm for an IV. She told me that she was going to give me Demoral, to help me relax and so I would not feel anything when they did the biopsy. The doctor came in and explained the procedure.

They would, indeed, take a giant needle and insert it into my hip, all the way through my pelvic bone, into the marrow. They would suck up bone marrow until they had enough to run the tests, and retract the needle. Then, I should go home and rest.

To prep me, they had me lay on my left side, so they could insert on the right side. Someone lifted back the hospital gown and I was told to pull down the pants to my knee. I did as I was told, and I felt something cold and wet on my low back. I was being sponged off. Then another sponge and more wetness, this time the wetness dripped down my hip and underneath me. I was suddenly terrified. The smell of iodine reached my nose. It was sterile, slightly sour, and unfriendly smelling.

Suddenly, there was pain. At first it just stung, then it ached. I was shaking and I started to cry. The pain slowly subsided, but I could feel this pressure. Just pushing and pushing me into the chair. The needle was thick and I couldn't feel it so much as be afraid of it. And being afraid made me cry even more. The nurse came around to the side of the chair that I was facing, and help my hand. She wiped my hair back from my face and told me I as doing ok. Once I started feeling the scraping of the needle against my hip bone, I started to sob softly.

The doctor scraped and scraped and I assume, finally got into my bone. I could hear the marrow being sucked into the syringe. A horrid bubbly, sucking sound. It stopped, and I could fell the pressure again, as the doctor removed the needle. After the needle was removed, I was cleaned up again, and I got a bandage where the insertion point was. The nurse had me roll over, and sit up. She explained that the “hole” would heal withing a couple of days, but to be careful when showering, because it wasn't a small hole.

By that time, I began to get kind of woozy. My mom wasn't there to pick me up yet, so I was asked to wait in the waiting room for her to pick me up. I started to try and read a magazine, but the words just blurred in front of me. So, I tried to concentrate on the TV. That was not working either. By the time my mom came in to get me, I was sliding off the chair and onto the floor. My poor mom had to get me into the elevator and get me down to the car.

She took me home and told me not to worry about anything, her and dad would take me back to my car the next day. She told me to go in and rest. I didn't need to be told twice. I went in and immediately fell asleep.

Photo Credit

I Love This

I realize it has been a while since I have updated, and I have been working on it, but my "editor" has been slacking. :-) I was reading the The Best of Craigslist and I found this entry. It is one of the most fabulous things I have ever read. I wish I could email this person and tell her that I love her. It had me in tears.... because I KNOW. I know how she feels. I want to give her a hug. And I want everyone to know that everything she says is totally true and this is how it is.

She posted this from my local area, Portland, OR. I would love to meet her.

Originally Posted: Wed, 31 Oct 09:31 PDT

Cancer Rant

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Date: 2007-10-31, 9:31AM PDT


In February of this year I was diagnosed with advanced Hodgkins Lymphoma. I went through eight months of chemotherapy, everything looks really good, and now I am just waiting my post-chemo scans to indicate remission. I am finally done with chemo. Woop woop. This is very good news for me. I’m real happy about it and I am excited to get on with my life.

I was a good cancer patient…no, a great cancer patient. I was tough. I didn’t curl up in a ball and hide, I faced it, I sucked it up, and got through it. I’m not looking for a medal, I just want to preface what I am going to say with the fact that I am not whiney or self-pitying, and that I realize that I am not the only one who’s had to deal with this crap, and that there’s worse things that could have happened to me. I have a wonderful family and caring friends that have formed a very lovely support system for me. I cannot thank them enough for all their help and love.

That said, here’s my rant…This goes out to everyone I know – friends, family, co-workers, doctors, nurses, radiologists, technicians, friends of friends, exes, and others…

1. There is no “good” kind of cancer. Yes, this kind of cancer at my stage has an 80-85% survival rate. That’s great, I am happy about that – really, I am, but that doesn’t make it “good” or any “better” than any other kind of cancer. Cancer is a scary thing, the treatment is excruciating, and at the end of the day, if you happen to get “lucky” and be one of the 15-20% that don’t survive, that statistic turns from a “good” one to a not-so-great one. Really. That’s like one out of five. Can you think of five friends? Picture them. If one of them up and died would you consider it a “good” number of them? I didn’t think so. So please, don’t tell me I got the “good” kind of cancer – don’t even suggest it. Don’t even say, “Well, at least you didn’t get _________ cancer, that would really suck.” Uh, hello, this pretty much REALLY sucks. Next time you get cancer I’ll ask you if you think the kind you got is “good”.

2. Don’t tell me things I don’t want to hear. For some reason, it occurred several times that when I told someone what I was going through (which is kinda awkward anyway), they would say something to the effect of “OH, my (mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, insert any other relative or even remote acquaintance here) just died last year of cancer.” Or “Right, my (insert distant relative here) died of Hodgkin’s.” What the hell?? I have been diagnosed with a terrible disease and am undergoing intensive and debilitating treatment, and you’re going to tell me about someone dying? What? Seriously? It’s better just to not chime in here. Again, next time you get cancer, I’ll try this line out on you and you can let me know what you think.

3. DO NOT ask me about my hair. With the kind of chemo I had, my hair started falling out around treatment #3, slowly at first, then lots at a time until I finally, and very sadly, shaved my head. THAT WAS REALLY HARD TO DO. It’s about a lot of things…it’s about vanity and feeling ugly, it’s about the stigma of being sick and that being obvious to the world, it’s about knowing or not who you are without your hair/eyelashes/eyebrows, it’s complicated. And, I take ownership of the fact that some of that is really superficial shit – but it’s very real and it’s emotional. So, comments like “How’s your hair doing?” “Wow, it’s really thinning out!” “So is your hair just coming out in handfuls?” and “Is that a wig?” are not helpful and WILL make me cry. If you think this is stupid or oversensitive, let me say it again: next time you get cancer let me know how this goes.

4. Don’t tell me it’s going to be ok. Bottom line is this – I know I want everything to be ok, and I know you want everything to be ok – you wouldn’t be my friend/involved family member if that weren’t the case. Unfortunately, we BOTH know that it just might not be ok. We BOTH know that there exists the possibility that it’s not going to be ok and that the disease isn’t going to respond, or is going to come back, and that even if I am tough and brave, it could kill me. I have had to deal with that idea since the word “cancer” came out of the doctor’s mouth. In that moment, and in the hours and days to come, I knew that it could happen that everything was not going to be ok. If I didn’t know that, cancer wouldn’t be such a big deal. If that weren’t a possibility, we wouldn’t have shed tears when we heard the news. So, for my sake, don’t say that line. I know it’s the first thing that comes to mind, and I know you mean it well, but try something else that actually means something, like: “Whenever you need anything I’ll be there” or “This is going to be rough but I’m here for you” or “I’m on my way over with a last season’s Top Model” or even just “Give ‘em hell, sista”. I know you may not get it, but next time you get cancer we’ll share profound understanding when I tell you that I know it may not be ok and that I know that’s real scary.

5. Don’t comment about my weight. Ok, here’s something that I didn’t know before I started this. Chemotherapy is NOT a weight loss plan – YES, they have indeed discontinued all the fringe benefits from the cancer card membership. Turns out, they give you steroids that make you hungry all the damned time. And, you feel like complete shit and don’t even have enough energy to walk up the stairs, much less to exercise. In the beginning when I was still trying to figure out how to deal with shitty side effects like constant vomiting, painful mouth sores, etc, I lost weight because I just literally couldn’t eat. But once I got that under control, the hunger would come on, and man, I can eat a lot. I was in pretty good shape (at the gym five days a week, healthy foods, etc) when all this started and now I have gained weight and am up a pants size. The once-muscle has turned into mushy fat and I’m not happy about it, but during treatment there was just no fix. So, the “wow, you’ve put a couple on, haven’t you?” or “I thought you lose weight on chemo” comments are not helpful and again, will make me cry. Next time you get cancer, see how you feel when I tell you to “hit the gym.”

6. Chemotherapy sucks. I think everyone knows that – I don’t know what the first thing is that pops into your head when you read that word, but I would venture to guess that it’s not something warm and smiley. It sucks, it really sucks. You vomit, are nauseated (which is so much worse than vomiting) all the time, you get terrible headaches, you can’t sleep, you get sores in your mouth and chronic yeast infections, you get seriously seriously constipated, your brain malfunctions and you can’t remember how to get to the bus stop or where you normally leave the toothpaste, your whole body hurts, your toenails fall off (wtf? Yeah) and now they give you shots to stimulate white blood cell production (at least in my case) that cause relentless, incapacitating pain that made you simply want to give up on living just to make it stop. Ok, I said it, chemotherapy sucks – and I am really good at being tough and not letting everyone know all the shitty stuff that’s happening to me at once, but you know it sucks. So, no, I am not interested in hearing you whine about a cold you think you’re getting, your scratchy throat, your eye/ear/sinus infection, your sleepiness, your headache, etc. I know you really don’t feel good, but c’mon man, suck it up – or at least go tell someone else who doesn’t have cancer. Next time you get it, you’ll drop kick the asshole that spends ten minutes talking about how bad their hangover is.

7. It’s a REALLY long road. Eight months is a long time to be sick. It just is, and I KNOW (I really know) that it gets old. In the beginning everyone called all the time, offered to go to chemo with me, sent lots of e-mails, came over to visit when I was sick….but after the months drag on it’s like people get sick of it. I understand that – ‘cause I got pretty sick of it too. I got sick of calling in to work, not doing anything fun, not seeing anyone….even just answering the damned “How are you feeling?” question….I felt like it was better to lie and say “fine” than to say how I really felt because people kind of don’t know how to react or don’t want to hear it. I have a wonderful husband and mother who took exceptional care of me, even when they needed a break, even when it got old, even when they got sick of hearing me say I felt like shit. They did that because they knew I needed them. I needed other people too, I needed girlfriends to just come over with a movie or a dvd of a funny tv show, or to call me on the days they knew I had treatment, or to just call when they hadn’t heard from me in days. Some did and some didn’t. You know who you are and why you didn’t. Maybe you didn’t feel comfortable or maybe you were too “busy.” Regardless, I love you, and I will do it for you the next time you get cancer.

I really, really hope you never get cancer. I mean that for everyone – even if you’re a jerk, even if you write to me and rant meaningless bullshit about my rant, even if you really deserve to have something nasty happen to you – I hope you don’t get cancer. It’s awful. I’m not one of those “I’m a survivor!” types, I’m not one of those in-your-face super tough post-cancer freaks, I’m really normal and I will get over this. That said, if you do get cancer or if your friend or (insert any relative here) gets cancer, you can bet your bottom dollar that if/when I hear about it I’ll be on your/their doorstep with a big teary welcome to the cancer club hug and a mop and bucket to clean the floors, or popcorn and a dvd for the kids, or dinner so you/they don’t have to make it, or whatever it takes, for as long as it takes – and you won’t have to ask for it, and you won’t have to say thanks, because we’ll both just know. It’s a special club and we take care of our own.

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The Gallium Scan

What a Gallium Scan Looks like

The next assignment was to get my Gallium scan, which I had never heard of. I thought maybe it would be similar to a CT scan, but I wasn't sure what to expect.

I went to the hospital and found my way to the room where I checked in. I sat in a chair, waiting to be called. It was a strange room, disorganized. Blue plastic chairs lined the wall; ultrasound machines and other equipment were randomly dispersed. There was a small black table that had a stack of magazines on it between two opposing rows of chairs. Slowly, people wandered in and out. One person was getting an ultrasound, but it didn't look like it was for a pregnancy. A man sat a chair away from me. He left suddenly, looking upset.

After awhile, a boy in a wheelchair was pushed out. He looked familiar, and I couldn't get over the way that he kept grinning at me, almost like he was crazy or something. He was nice-looking, and I kept thinking that we had gone to high school together(?). They never said his name, so I couldn't put a face to the name. He was soon wheeled back to a room in hospital. He just kept smiling at me. I smiled back and waved when he left. For some reason, I wanted to know what was wrong with him and I wanted to talk to him.

I was told I was next. The man who ran the lab took me into a room behind the chair that I had been sitting in. Today was only the beginning. Day one of the scan. Today, I would be injected with radioactive isotopes. I had to be careful not to let anyone use anything that was touched by any of my body fluids. I had to flush twice when I went to the restroom. I had to wash my own dishes, silverware and cups. I could not share drinks or food for four days. I must stay away from pregnant women, and let them know that they should not use the same toilet as me.

The man explaining this to me pulled a box out of a freezer. It was steel, very small, and locked. He unlocked the box after preparing me for an IV. It was just an injection, but it looked like he was going to put me on a drip. A small cylinder was in the box with a fluorescent green liquid; the cylinder was covered in frost. He took it out of the box with thickly gloved hands. There were radioactivity stickers all over the box and the freezer. Cold and uncomfortable fluid was injected to my arm. I could feel the cold running up my arm before it dissipated It was five drawn-out minutes of slow, careful injection.

I was to return at the same time for the next three days for the actual scan. Each scan would take around an hour. They had to wait until the fluid had gone through my entire body and take pictures every day until it was gone. I remember being puzzled, a little scared, but I was too tired to feel much of anything.

I went home and made plans to let work know about the fact that I would have to be off early for the rest of the week.

The next day, I went back. I was wearing my new pink short sleeved sweater and a pink and black miniskirt. I wasn't worried because I figured, like a CT scan, I would be asked to change my clothes and put on a gown for the scan. That was not the case, they asked me to just jump on the table. So, I did. I was newly apprehensive wearing that skirt, but the man that did the testing was so nice, and he put a warm blanket all the way up to my chest. I asked if I would need to remove my jewelry, he said no. He just told me to lay back and relax; the test would take about an hour.

I laid on a steel table that reminded me of an autopsy table without a drain. It was cold and uncomfortable. Overhead, was a giant piece of equipment shaped like a solid bell. The flat side hung over me. It moved three times, but I barely remember, because I fell asleep. Afterward, the tech woke me and told me he would see me the next day. He was very sweet; he always smiled at me.

I didn't see that boy in the wheelchair in the testing room again. But I went back every day, and had a nice nap before going home.

Next: The overall diagnosis and more testing.